LACK OF SELF – ESTEE

同路人

LACKOF SELF – ESTEEM

running river

InJanuary 15 2015, I wrote an article: Emotional Health, reflecting on twoChinese international students who committed suicide during their second yearof school.  The two students were Yuan Yuan, and Guo Yanjun. Yuan, a youngwoman in her early 20's from Nangjing China, was in her second year of aneconomics degree at Amsterdam University. Guo, a 28 year old, who immigrated toAmerica in 2001, graduated with an Honors BSc , worked in investment banking inNew York, then registered at MIT, majoring in management - a journeymuch admired by many Chinese families.

Unfortunately,on January 27, 2015, another 20 years old Chinese international student namedWang Lu Chang, a math major at Yale University, was successful in her suicideattempt. These youngstudents all exhibited excellent academic performance records, hard work, andwere achievement driven; in the eyes of an outsider, they all would have abright future. While we are sadly mourning these young lives, it also causes usto question:  What kind of pain was so heavy that it caused them to chooseto end their own life?

Myprevious article looked at this issue from an emotional health perspective; Ithought it was the taboo of depression, suicidal thoughts and loneliness thatblocked them from seeking help. It was the negative emotions that confoundedtheir thoughts and their mobility, blocked their view to finding a way out;since most people see vulnerability as shame. Neither failure nor misfortunesare supposed to be disclosed or shared with others, even with familymembers.   Lacking the knowledge and skills to deal with negativeemotions becomes an obstacle to reaching out and asking for help.

Then,recently, I have come to realize that there could be a deeper reason fortheir taking their own lives:  lackof Self – Esteem. In order to learn new knowledge and skills, they first haveto believe in themselves and trust that there is away out, and are willing to try. Without confidence andbeliefs, they would not reach out. Even if theresources are there, they won’t be able to recognize and seize it.

Lack of self -Esteem

First,let us explore this question: What is the main difference between a confidentand an unconfident person? The answer is self – esteem.    Whena person has healthy self –esteem, it means that she has the courage to meetlife's challenges. It is through risk taking that we are able to developresilience.  

Thesecond question naturally follows:  Where does courage come from? It comesfrom a belief in ourselves: a belief that we are capable, lovable human beingswho will eventually succeed. In other words we hold ourselves in high regard.When we think well of ourselves, then we have the courage to take risks.

Whenself – esteem is not there, the person would not even try to learn new methods.It is like being stuck in a labyrinth and not believing that there is a goldenthread that can guide you out of the maze.  So believing is the firststep; in order to believe that the resources are there requires self acceptanceand self love.

Thesethree young women took their lives because they lacked healthy self – esteem.

DoesSuccess = Self – Esteem?

Peoplemay challenge this concept, “Why do you say that they lacked of self – esteem,they were academically driven and had a proven record of their capacity toprevail, sure they had self – esteem.”

Accordingto Nathaniel Branden, the guru of self – esteem, self – esteem has twocomponents, self- efficacy and self- respect. Self – efficacy means a basicsense confidence in being able to face of life’s challenges.

Itrefers to confidence in the function of one’s mind, the ability to think ,understand, learn , choose and make decisions, confidence in one’s ability tounderstand the facts of reality that fall within the sphere of one’s interestsand needs.

Self– respect is a sense of being worthy of happiness. It refers to assurance ofone’s value; an affirmative attitude toward one’s right to live and to behappy; comfort in appropriately asserting one’s thoughts, wants and needs; thefeeling that joy and fulfillment are our natural birthright.

Accordingto this definition of self – esteem, these three Chinese students had a senseof self – efficacy, they were very successful students met the academicchallenges they faced while in China.  However, they lacked self –respect: when they encountered a new environment, they felt that they had lostthe battle and could never win, no matter how hard they tried.  They couldnot find a way out. Self – respect, is a sense of being worthy of happiness, asense of self acceptance, no matter what.  The common pitfall of thesethree students was that they tied their value, capacity for happiness and selfacceptance, with their academic success - the external evaluation was onlybased on their academic performance.  In their minds, their personal valuewas tied to success, and success was only measured by academic performance. Self – efficacy and self – respect are the dual pillars of healthyself-esteem; absent either one, self-esteem is impaired.

Analysis fromCulture Perspective

Inmy practice, I have counselled International Chinese clients who weresuccessful, academically or in their work, yet they lacked the capacity forself –respect.

Onerational for the lack of self respect is that they could only relate theirvalue to their academic or work performance.  A student client came tocounseling because of her severe OCD disturbing her life.  She had been anA student throughout her student life in China. Before entering the Universityof Waterloo she had set a big goal for herself of continued academic success.Unfortunately, during the first year, she did not do as well as she expected.She felt so disappointed with herself and also because lack skills in selfregulation, time management, etc she was stressed out.

Thesecond rational is that they gave too much space, letting others take advantageof them, allowing others to walk all over them and still blame themselves -they should have given more. In their heads, their self talk took the form of agood person does not argue with others, is considerate and kind. These are twosymptoms of lacking of self – respect. When we lack self respect, we tend toact in ways that lower our sense of our own value even further.

InChina, parents expect their children to excel academically; they start to traintheir child from an early age. Children who excelled were regarded by parents,teachers as a ‘smart kid’. They were being praised and rewarded for theiracademic achievement.  The parent’s love is conditional. When children donot do well, they feel ashamed of themselves, and feel sorry for their parents.

Asstate in Transaction Psychology, this illustrates the concept that how yourparents treat you when you were child will be the way you treat yourself whenyou are an adult.  So even after children have grown up and left the home,they still carry their parent’s values unconsciously.  These values form the basis for how theyevaluate themselves in the future.

Thesetypes of students have the assumption that "A wise person can alwayseffortlessly solve any problem; genius is to achieve without too much effort.Once geniuses work hard they will have rapid progress beyond the ordinary.”  One of my clients stated. Because these smartkids had won so many ‘battles’ they have a high degree of confidence and theyregard themselves as highly competitive. They have a strong belief in their abilities,which then leads them to having high expectations.  When these ‘smart ‘kidslose their battle and form the notion that there is no way they can win, theylose their ground.

Conclusion

Thesetragic   incidents evoke in us the impetus to rethink the goals ofeducation and parenting: how do we evaluate ourselves as a person? Why do ourchildren lack the capacity for healthy self – esteem? Why do they not treasuretheir own lives? And what kind of people do we want our children to become?

Thetraditional Chinese approachto education and parentinghas been overly skewed toward the students’ skills, knowledge and academic work, with lessfocus on their emotional health- the capacity for self– respect; cultivating a person who is courageous, responsible andcooperative with a healthy self – esteem.

Healthyself – esteem has two components: self – efficacy and self – respect. Self –efficacy is concerned with the ability to learn, think and do. Chinese parentshave been successful in cultivating self – efficacy, they have highexpectations for their children and believe that they can do well, and fullydedicate themselves to their children’s academic curriculum. Yet what they lackis respecting and unconditionally loving their children.  In 2011, AmyChua, a Yale University professor wrote about her parenting struggle in thebook, The Battle Hymn of a Tiger Mother. In this story about a’ tiger’ motherraising her daughters in two cultures, we can clearly see the traditionalChinese parenting philosophy:  being competitive, driven by the excellenceat all costs.

Someparents may question: “I have devoted so much, what you mean I do not love mychildren? What do you mean I am not respecting them?”

Thisis clear from Amy Chua’s experience: her second daughter Lulu, toleratedher mother’s diligent and forceful parenting approach until the age of 13, when Lulu finallyexploded：“Ihate you…”.  At that point, Amy Chua realized that she could lose Lulu if she insisted on herforceful approach, even though she believed thateverything she did was for Lulu's own good. She did realize that, from a mother’sperspective, she did need to respect and consider Lulu’s wants, feelings, and thoughts, not just the end resultand what was good for Lulu's future.

Self– respect entails the expectation of friendship, love and happiness as natural,as a result of who we are and what we do. Not uncommonly we met a person who isfar surer of his or her competence, at least in some areas, than of the rightto be happy. Some aspect of self – respect is missing in here. Such anindividual may achieve a great deal but lack of the capacity to enjoy it. In thelong run, the experience of self – efficacy also will be impaired.

Whenwe love our children, educating them with discipline, love and respect, thennot only will our children learn to treat themselves withdiscipline they will also love and respect themselves. And only whena person who is truly being respected and loved, she is capable of treatingothers with love and respect.   As parents we have the innate desire tolove our children, but the desire to love is not enough. Love needs to be basedon respect and appropriate methods. Respect means we accept our children as an individual’s,as separate and distinct human beings, not based on what they achieve.Discipline based on respect and the right methods can yield a child who iscourageous, responsible, and cooperative and has a healthy self - esteem. Thistopic will be further explored in the next article - How to cultivate healthyself – esteem in our children.

HailingHuang MTA MA CCC

www.fellowtravelercounseling.com

Tag:international student, acculturation, immigrant, emotional health, schooleducation, parenting